I had a dream the other day where I met my 3 year old self. It was in my parents 1980s living room, and my 3-year-old self had on the same outfit that I wore on my 3rd birthday – pigtails and everything.
I am known to have bizarre dreams. I usually don’t dwell on them. I tell my husband over dinner and we chuckle. I realized though that this dream was different – it was trying to tell me something. Why would I ever be mean to a 3-year-old? Or belittle them? Would I ever tell a 3-year-old the negative things I have told myself my entire teenage and adult life?
I would never walk up to a bubbly, innocent 3-year-old and say:
“You are insignificant.”
“You are not deserving of [insert blank].”
“No one will ever take you seriously.”
The morning after this dream, I dramatically pivoted how I talk to myself. When I hear that negative voice rising, I immediately stop myself and think “would you EVER tell this to you 3-year-old self?”. The answer is always 100% NO.
Picturing myself as this innocent 3-year-old has completely changed my self-talk. The type-A, sarcastic, cynical Washington DC woman is no longer the woman I allow to self-talk. I have started telling self talking phrases like:
“It’s ok to feel overwhelmed. What’s the non negotiable at the moment.”
“You will feel nervous and that’s completely different than feeling insignificant.”
“Don’t ever stop dreaming!”
Negative self-talk can be damaging to your physical health as stated in this 2018 NYT article. In fact, positive self-talk is arguably a form of self-care. Here are some additional tips to decrease negative self-talk that I have researched since my dream:
1. Use Gentle Language
Catch yourself when you begin negative talk and change it to more gentle language. Yes, the same language that you would use when talking to a 3-year-old.
2. Acknowledge your feelings
There is no need to immediately fix any emotion you are having. Acknowledge it, then begin to deal with it.
3. Stop saying “always” or “never”
Absolutes are the worst! And more importantly, probably not accurate.
4. Admit your regrets.
Everyone has regrets, both big and smell. Avoiding them breeds negative talk. Admit them and move on.
5. Make the time and attend a therapy session!
It’s 2019. Therapy is hip. Go.
Begin replacing your negative self talk with self-compassion talk – the same compassion you would talk to your 3-year-old self. The difference for myself has been night and day! And I am committed to ensuring this stays a permanent habit because I want to set an example for my daughter and my nieces.